I think I can feel you to some extent. The part where you mentioned that some things or whatever things happen in your life and you have no alternative explanation.
But in my 2 years as an atheist and after getting my ass kicked and fucked by the more experienced atheists here, I started realizing my brain is so fucked that I have absolutely no sign of rationalism in me. I’ve went through depression and still am going through it. The religion shit was a big shock for me. I believed it as the ultimate truth for 18 years. Left everything for it. Sacrificed all.
In the end, I ended up at a psychiatrist. I still take anti-depressants. So, my point is, I can understand how religion can fuck one’s brain. It’s like brainwashing. Bullshit neural pathways are formed and you have to UNDO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM
My advice for you is, start sharing everything on this problem. All your religion-related issues. I did. And although I did get some bashing for repetitively asking the same shits in different ways, here I am. After 2 years, I am knowledgeable enough, finally, to not fall for any bullshit anymore.
You have to share your experiences. I’m one of the only ex Muslims on this forum and believe me, the religion I left makes people go through unimaginable bullshit.
So please, have mercy on yourself. Share everything and get your life back. Don’t carry the heavy bullshit luggage of religion with you while attempting to move forward. You’ll either won’t be able to move at all or it will be so fucking slow that at the time of your death you’ll realize you wasted the beautiful gift of life.
Life is worth living. Do EVERYTHING in your power to gain your peace, happiness and rationality back.
Trust me, when I say this, it took me 2 years to get to a state where I wasn’t constantly suicidal. I’m still far from absolute freedom from the religious bullshit in my brain. But I am sure I will reach my destination. Atleast I am not afraid to share even the most shittiest and silliest of things on this forum in return for help. I don’t care. I just want to live. I’ll do everything for it.
I advise the same to you. Break from the shackles of religion, regain your peace of mind and live life like you used to dream so before.