Sheldon, you and your dictionary will get you into trouble one day, but personally, I can’t be bothered with you.
It’s not MY dictionary.
Yet felt compelled to say so, after a two week absence. The word definitions are simply common usage, if one is going to use words that contradict these then complaining when it is pointed out is equally meaningless.
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Yes. Yes. Makes sense. I chose to be molested by the babysitter and thus all of the psychological ramifications of being molested are also my “choices”.
Where did you get your degree in Psychology again, Cog? A Cracker Jack box?
No, ma’am. Not at all. Yes, I was having a bit of fun (in my own warped way) concocting that colorful tale. And, perhaps, I was exercising my mental muscle to get my cerebral juices flowing while sipping my morning coffee. However, there is absolutely nothing funny about seeing a young child experiencing a traumatic event. I was not making fun of that. Reading over the posts that I did not see until just before typing this one, it seems that Cog has already explained it fairly well. Even so, I’ll try to explain my view of it all as best I can in hopes that it might help a bit in some way.
I have many friends and family who experienced various forms of childhood abuse/trauma. Some of them allowed it to affect them in some negative way their entire life, because they could never “get over” the event. And their lives were miserable and chaotic as a result. Others, of course, were able to put it behind them and go on to live successful and happy lives. (That is to say, if they did happen to have any “inner demons” still haunting them, they did not let it show.) Then there are those who end up in the middle. Able to function “normally” for the most part and live a successful life, but still having to often battle the negativity caused by the childhood event. Unable to face certain situations without “triggering” severe physical anxiety and causing a temporary “retreat” within their minds. (My wife still deals with such things, but has gotten much better with it over the years.)
Now, I suppose some would say I also experienced my share of such “trauma” in my younger years. But, like Cog said, that is somewhat subjective, and each person handles such things and views such things as an individual. For instance, when I was 7, I had my foot mangled by a riding lawnmower while my Mom was cutting grass. I ran up to ask her a question, I slipped and fell, and my foot went into the ejection port of the blade deck. Missed the last 6 or 7 weeks of 2nd grade, and ended up losing two toes as a result. Pretty sure most people would understand if I had developed a deathly fear of lawnmowers after such an event. Hell, most kids probably would have. Fact is, though, as soon as I was back home and still having to use crutches to walk, I was begging to be allowed to drive the lawnmower around the yard as I had often done before the accident. In other words, what many would have considered to be a highly traumatic event did not phase me in the slightest. I even graduated 2nd grade with academic honors awards. (The bastards brought my school work to the hospital for me during my recovery. 
)
Fast forward through youth to adulthood. Whether it was because of some bonehead decisions I made, or by some freak accident, or because of somebody with real malice intent, I lost count of the number of times I was almost killed during all those years. Sure, got a few cuts and bruises during some of those incidents, but I obviously survived. And none of it has ever had any type of negative impact on my mental well-being. No lingering anxieties. No nightmares causing me to wake up in a cold sweat. No urges to avoid the things that were involved in the incidents. My general attitude was always, “Ha! God missed again!” It was all fun and games to me.
On the other hand, I have known (and still know) people who have become downright “mentally compromised” by incidents that I considered to be insignificant. Maybe he/she was climbing a ladder one time and it slipped/fell from under them, causing a fall that dinged them up a bit. From that point on, to even SUGGEST he/she climb a ladder or use a stepstool to perform a task would send them into an instant anxiety attack. I’ll be honest, I have never understood that mentality. It is very difficult for me to relate to it.
So, what makes me (and others like me) different? I wish I knew, but I really have no idea. All that being said, I again agree that childhood trauma is in no way, shape, or form funny. I have seen the adverse effects of it way too many times during my life. At the same time, though, I do believe that how people perceive and handle such things can make a huge difference in their future mental health.
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Read what I said again silly rodent. At no point did I suggest the above. If you did choose to be molested you would have nothing at all to wallow in self pity about. Given that it did happen, how long are you willing to wallow in self pity before getting over it? Or do you still get positive affirmation for playing the 'Oh poor me, ‘victim role.’ Ratty, are you looking for a rescuer… Wait, I seem to remember you were. You did talk about your significant other and that pathological double bind relationship you had. It may have been 2 years ago, but I do recall it. Damn… Ratty, you are a professional victim.
Victim mentality is an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances. Victim mentality depends on clear thought processes and attribution. In some cases, those with a victim mentality have in fact been the victim of wrongdoing by others or have otherwise suffered misfortune through no fault of their own. However, such misfortune does not necessarily imply that one will respond by developing a pervasive and universal victim mentality where one frequently or constantly perceives oneself to be a victim.[1]
The term is also used in reference to the tendency for blaming one’s misfortunes on somebody else’s misdeeds, which is also referred to as victimism.[2][3]
Victim mentality is primarily developed, for example, from family members and situations during childhood. Similarly, criminals often engage in victim thinking, believing themselves to be moral and engaging in crime only as a reaction to an immoral world and furthermore feeling that authorities are unfairly singling them out for persecution.[4]
Uh, yep. I think that pretty much sums it up quite nicely. 
Hey, could you please tell my wife that? She thinks I’m a hoarder by choice. She obviously doesn’t understand the horror that caused my hoarding illness.
(Edit to add to my mistake collection.)
Amazing how accurate even our jovial utterances can be. Alas, you will stop being a hoarder when it is no longer meaningful to you. But then, she will find something else to complain about. After all, the relationship survives on seeking homeostasis. If things changed too much the equilibrium could be upset and lead to marital discord. Perhaps it is just best to accept the fact that your hoarding activity is helping your marriage to survive.
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I was just playing the “my past was shittier than yours” game.
I’m over it. I was just explaining the progression of events in my life which led to my annihilation anxiety and my mental vice grip headache.
I happened to be very mentally ill and she happened to be very suicidal when we met in the mental hospital. The first sign of companionship was romantic. As time went on she was there to support me while I attempted to improve mentally and I showed her warmth and affection which she needed.
She gave me the support I needed and I too provided her with it. 15 years later, we’re still happily married, and much more stable, with careers, and a mortgage. And I can’t imagine a person I would love more (perhaps excepting for my mother).
How is that pathological.
Do I need a saviour? No. Annihilation anxiety pretty much excludes all salvation when the burden of supporting existence falls directly on the shoulders of the individual.
I don’t think you understand the condition.
Victim mentality. I have been a “victim” of many childhood injustices at the hands of shitty people of all varieties and I’ve risen above it.
In my 40’s now, I’m working out a lot of my hang ups - with no recourse to this “so-called” salvation from a third party. I take responsibility for my mental well being. So. No. I don’t consider my self a victim.
This is one of the great cautions of being a psychotherapist and not pushing your values or concepts onto others. Meet people where they are at. In general, or statistically, I may agree with you. On the other hand, people are different and everyone I have sat across from has their own world and their own take on life and its problems. I have seen some amazing survival shit. I have also witnessed the depths of despair. Somehow, in my own life, I have learned to accept the things I can not change. Sometimes they are the result of my own stupidity, and other times they are simply life happening. In any case, viewing it all as a part of life seems to really help not getting stuck regardless of the severity.
Every event in out lives changes us. We can have a choice on which direction that change progresses. Do we fight or flight? Some people, very naturally, have better coping skills than others.
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@Tin-Man, the story, unfortunately, didn’t convey the thoughts of this later post.
There are so many folks, that you’re unaware of, who pop onto these forums who do know know the personalities of those of us who have been around for a while. We sometimes communicate in shorthand and sarcasm that flies past those unfamiliar with us. I grow concerned from time to time that folks who are fragile (fragility being all to common amongst those in the early stages of shedding indoctrination) may misinterpret someone’s meaning.
Yep, I’m a big ole sap. The AR forums are intended to be a safe landing place for folks, not just a pub for the regular crowd shuffling in.
So, I poked at you. But I’m not the only one here, and I don’t own the place. My apologies.
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That kind of describes my view on the subject.
Besides that, Tin and I have similar senses of humor. Mine is much more evolved than his is, obviously. He doesn’t even have any DNA yet. I fully got that he was giving an example of what I had just asserted. Certainly no apology necessary, Our dipshit shenanigans need to be spelled out in black and white now and again.
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Yes, I am a heathen. I have no problem with that definition. The religious have an assortment of names they like to call me. Atheist, Heathen, Non-believer, Dis-believer, unbeliever, heretic, nontheist, skeptic, doubter, doubting Thomas, freethinker, libertine, nihilist, paynim, nullifidian, and ass hole. Frankly, to some degree at least, I imagine all of these are at least partially accurate.
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A heathen is simply a person who does not belong to a widely held religion, so it is in no way incompatible with being an agnostic, or an atheist, or both together.
This is actually true. I would have to be somewhat of a theist to fit this particular category and I don’t. However, I am quite sure that when the Christians use the term, they are not asserting that I believe in a different God than the one they believe in. They don’t believe other gods exist. So they are using the word to mean non-believer or at least someone differerent from us who we can treat as inferior.
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Exactly so, the actual definition also specifies a heathen as those who don’t hold one of the Abrahamic religions, Judaism, Islam and Christianity, according to those that do of course, so you’re spot on. I have had theists call me a heathen in an attempt to insult, but of course it doesn’t insult me at all, as a heathen is precisely what I am.
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No need to apologize, M’lady. I understood the point you were making. No offense was taken in any way. If we regulars do not keep each other in check, who will? Besides, your response brought to my attention that I needed to expand a bit on that particular post, and it gave me an opportunity to share information I otherwise might not have added. If anything, I thank you for bringing it to my attention.
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It’s called a rescuer - victim relationship. It is contingent on one of you being in need of help all the time. What is the relationship between rescuer and victim?
The rescuer keeps the victim dependent by encouraging their victimhood. The victim gets their needs met by having the rescuer take care of them. Participants generally tend to have a primary or habitual role (victim, rescuer, persecutor) when they enter into drama triangles.
There is nothing wrong with these relationships lasting until one person suddenly recovers. Then they fall apart. If the victim is no longer a victim, the care giver will find someone else to care for. If the care giver stops being an enabler the victim will find a new care giver. The idea of pathological does not have anything to do with how long a relationship lasts or how loving and effective it is. A pathological relationship can work just fine. Problems only occur when one person begins to grow.
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Uh, a bit late to the party, but this caught my eyes…
I find this a useful approach to everyday encounters as well.
This simple, perhaps evident process is elemental in attaining an “unflappable” demeanor.(IMO)
Indeed there is a great deal of difference in how well people cope.
I may be wearing my pedantic hat, but I find the term “coping skills” to be ambiguous, and perhaps even misleading sometimes. I suppose it is my working definition of the word “skills” that trips me up. It implies (to me) that the success(es) of one’s applied methods of dealing with stress, anxiety, death, injury, etc., are the result of deliberate and intentional acquisition of “abilities(s)”. While it might be deliberate and intentional, as @Tin-Man alluded to, many people who are said to have good coping skills don’t even know why water rolls off of their backs like a duck.
I have pondered the coping issue a great deal. I am glad for those whose coping process has proven adequate to circumvent the anxieties and imbalances which apparently can occur when they are inadequate. Let it suffice to say that my coping processes have been challenged, evolved, and continue to mature. For those whose coping mechanisms are ineffective, appropriate support is fundamental. What is learned and acquired from the point of support forward, can certainly be accurately referred to as skills. Arriving at the place of accepting the apparent deterministic nature of various environments in which we find ourselves, is a significant point.
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