So it occurred to me we had a thread for jokes in the old forum, and why the fuck not start one here. It’'s a great fucking idea I thought, but then I am pretty mangled. 
I’ll start us off…
My uncle always said, “do something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.”
So he did Heroin…
I’ll get me coat…
They always say you regret the things you don’t do.
Now I don’t know who first claimed this, but I’ll bet they hadn’t just broken two cork screws trying to get an unlubricated parsnip out of their arse.
Could not resist this one.Huff Post 0930 25 July.
Apparently wearing face masks is mandatory in some places in the US. A new category of annoying Americans has arisen. A sub species of white females has arisen,known generically as “Karens”
It’s awful … those goddamn masks 
have killed nearly every surgeon 
that ever put me under. I prayed they would survive the operations - and “thanked god” they did!
Last time I was completely under was in 1955.–an ether soaked cloth held over my mouth and nose. It was horrid. I’d managed to fall down a disused open cut mine and smash myself up a bit.
These days I’m too old; a general anaesthetic would probably kill me.
Having my cataracts repaired under a local was a strange experience. Didn’t enjoy it at all. But they gave me a sandwich and a cup of tea later, so that was OK.
()))))))))))))))))))))))))))9))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Aussie trivia: A sandwich is made with sliced bread. Subway sells bread rolls. McDonalds sells its dreadful hamburgers on truly inferior buns. Buy a proper hamburger, with beetroot, pineapple,egg,{real} cheese etc from a local greasy spoon here and you get a proper bread roll, with a crispy crust.
We don’t usually have hot dogs. We have ‘pop dogs’ The franks are steam heated. The roll is impaled length ways on a heated spike. This leaves a nice long hole,which is buttered and has sauce squirted into the cavity. Frank then slides into the roll. Lovely crisp roll…
WTF??? If you had written 1855 I’d be more inclined to believe you - seriously - WTF???
Now this is give a try - never heard of this - strange food preparation . Sounds awesome 
Hot dogs: I use small crusty baguette or long CRUSTY (a must) sourdough roll, take out the soft middle leaving crust and soft lining…slide leek bratwurst or Weisswurst (my preference) into cavity with dijon mustard and hot tomato pickle,NOW that is a a dachsund fit to call a poodle.
OMG - yes… I’m going to try this with sauerkraut and hot mustard with brat/baguette
RE: Apparently wearing face masks is mandatory in some places in the US. A new category of annoying Americans has arisen. A sub species of white females has arisen,known generically as “Karens""
Oh yeah… “HOW DARE YOU FORCE ME TO WEAR A MASK THAT IS SUFFOCATING MY LITTLE ANGEL? I DEMAND TO SEE YOUR MANAGER, OR I YELL ‘RAPE’ SO THE POLICE CAN HEAR!!!1! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT NOT WEARING MASKS IS A gAwD-gIvEn RiGhT, AND THAT THE REAL WAY TO STOP COVID IS WITH ESSENTIAL OILS AND PRAYERS!!! EVIDENCE-BASED SCIENCE IS EVIL!!!11111!!!1!”
And what’s more, I’ve even heard some paranoid, butthurt righties with a persecution complex asserting that “Karen” is somehow an “aNtI wHiTe RaCiAl SlUr”.
Yup.
At the age of seven, 1957, I broke my arm bad, right at the elbow socket. The nearest doctor was some rural guy, and they put me out with ether.
This occurred in Penhold, Alberta.
I was scheduled for major surgery ten years ago, at the age of 60. I spent almost a month being run through a battery of tests, from cardio to blood chemistry to my teeth. I even had a long interview with the anesthesiologist.
That being said, they place tremendous stresses on the body. Any surgery within the next year after major surgery is almost always emergency, where there is no option. That is what happened to me. Major surgery, things went sideways post-op, five days later emergency surgery, they lost my vital signs twice and had to jump start me.
I can’t say any of it was fun or created pleasant memories. But it sure was interesting.
Oh OK - Alberta - now I understand!
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
Yes, seriously.
We were living in a small country town, with one doctor.
My arms were so smashed up he wanted to amputate my right arm. Mum wouldn’t let him.Just said “do your best”. He did. As a result I was left with an 80% functioning right arm.
At that same age,8 to 10 antibiotics were not available/used. I used to get tonsilitis a lot… My doctor gave me sulphur tablets.I can still remember the taste.
My mother came out from Vancouver in 1946, to marry dad. Housing shortage. So after I was born (1947)we lived with my grandfather: Mum was shocked to discover; outside toilet, no washing machine, wood stove, no vacumn cleaner. TV had not reached South Australia. No one we knew had a car. Oh yeah, pubs closed at 6pm. Nothing was open on Sunday; no restaurantrs, no cinemas, no sports events. Fair dinkum, Adelaide was like the far side of the moon.
I’ve been there, but no medical professional was involved!
Oh shit, that must have been a very bad experience. Not the ether, but the circumstances involving the action.
I guess I might have given the false impression that someone else held the cloth to my mouth. It was voluntary.
Whew, my apologies, my imagination took me in the wrong direction.
Something like what dumbass kids (like myself) did, hyperventilate and then hold their breath until they passed out?
I was talking about the recreational use of ether:
