My alien overlords finally brought me home!
As I live in butt-fuck nowhere, it goes without saying that my absence was spent on a different planet these past months. Although I enjoyed the probing and prodding…I missed this blue marble.
I hope nothing earth shattering has happened while I was gone.
Ever so glad the aliens finally released you! This place hasn’t been nearly as fun with you away!
It hasn’t???
WTF 
. NOW that just pisses me off!
Everyone needs to have fun now!
This should help 
Recorded in the butt-fuck nowhere bar.
Welcome back, we have some distressing news about Trump, but it will keep.
Who???
The washed up reality star who is a convicted felon? The worst President ever who was impeached twice?
What about him???
Goddamn it!!!
I spent 2 minutes reading headlines so I’m now an expert.
I’m also prepared for the invasion.
Hey. Good to see you back. 
Greenland is top of that list, apparently, and after the incoming regime ejects all the pesky southern border hopping families.
Then perhaps on to the Caucuses for the oil and a winter attack on western Russia… 
And you needed aliens to steal you to get the good probing? Isn’t @Cognostic keeping you apprised of those techniques? And where has he been all this time, anyway??
Was he abducted too???
Maybe it was him doing the anal probes. I’ve never met him irl 
Welcome back. I’ll pray for you.
Fuck off eh!!! (Exclamation for 20 characters - no perks for admins)
Welcome back you wonderful Canadian!
Hope you are now well and your family all positive once again. Look like your military inclined offspring will be needed…
We are doing great.
My military man joined the Space Force and negotiated for my return. It took him a few months to miss me though - lil’shit.
He’s doing further training in Ontario.
My youngest starts cooking school this fall.
My middle guy… buying him a car tomorrow.
Alls well 
Moschus Heil!
The Canada invasion shall be broadcast on X; Neuralink implants for Canadian officials complaining about the upcoming tariffs.
Do we get a bar of Trump branded soap and a free shower?
As long as the shower has pressure.
Welcome back!
So you think Cog is an alien? It would explain so much. Being catfished, and other things, by an alien sounds like the makings of a best seller 
.
And afterwards, you can apply some Trump fragrance…
dodged a bullet!
