But the bacon-hating faith is the fastest growing religion in the world, son! All those virgins, no advice-spewing, bearded middle man claiming they’re the lord, five mini church visits a day. No more of those pesky Jaeger hangovers, either. And a long, abattoir free life for more swine everywhere.
I mean, one must gird oneself for temptation now that dogma has once again replaced critical thought, after all.
“I return to The Fold” “… regain my Christian Faith.”
But if you’re ‘newly saved,’ I guess the above statements confused (misled) me into thinking you were saved before, and therefore had committed apostasy. Hm, my mistake.
But then again a lot of christians have tossed words and phrases around that confused and misled me. Must be beyond my comprehension.
More proof that god is real is bacon flavored seasoning. Heck, there’s bacon flavored everything - ice cream, vodka, gum, tooth paste. That should be enough to convince any atheist that god exist.
Hmmmmmm The worship of bacon would make a great cult. The first commandment could be “Never fry bacon while naked”… or so I’ve heard 
. Anyone got more commandments for my new bacon cult? Hmmmm, it needs a catchy name too. First Church of the Unforsaken Bacon?
Ugh! You are making this way more complicated than it is. 
Listen, I AM newly saved again from my first godless life before I was newly saved the first time prior to my last godless life. Not trying to be mean, but you really do have comprehension problems. I’ll pray for you.
As much as I would love to condemn your Bacon Cult, I’m afraid I can find no fault in its development. And, if I may humbly suggest, the commandment of, “Thou shall not fry bacon while naked,” is really the only commandment required. No need to make it complicated. As for a catchy name, how about “Presbyterian Prophets of Pentecostal Pork Protestants”? You could call it The 5P Church, for short.
5P. Humm. 5 Pe**ses Church. Sounds like the Catholic Church. Hurr hurr.
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is an understandably sensitive topic. It cannot, however, be ignored as nearly 30 million young men are living with the condition to varying degrees. Although there are many reputable therapies that can be employed to treat ED, indulging in your favorite breakfast food may also prove to be very beneficial. While bacon is not your typical in-the-mood food, it has been known to improve sexual prowess in men. Bacon is a good source of selenium which, when consumed in moderation, can give your libido a healthy boost. It has also been found that the mere smell and joy experienced from eating bacon can elicit feelings that can improve performance between the sheets.
from:3 Secret Health Benefits of Bacon for Men - Bacon Scouts
Of course! It’s God’s will the earth be filled and subdued.
Re the Church of Bacon
I’m sorry I am very confused. I went to my local Bacon Worship hour and when I unwrapped my offering I was booted and reviled.
Would somebody explain why there are so many schisms in the fatty Church of Our Tasty Bacon? In the yellow pages just in my outback town we have
The exalted Church of the Karri Smoked Back
The One Church of the Whole Rasher
The One Light of the Streaky Green Bacon
The American Bacon House of His ( Chemical) Crispiness
The American Bacon House of His (All Natural, Extra MSG)) Crispiness
The Canadian, I’m Sorry, Its Delicious, Hey, Worship House
The Schismatic Church of the Hickory Smoked Back Bacon
The True Home of the Belly Rasher
I am sure there are others operating quietly at Sunday Bacon Time…
Do we not all worship the Tasty Rasher? Do we not all cry out for that tasty crackly rind? Do we not all let the grease run down our chin as we take that last bite of the sacrificial rasher?
Then of course there is those counter churches who just do it to take the piss out of Bacon Worshippers everywhere we even have the
The Tasty Church of Turkey Bacon
The Vege Bacon Temple (pure sacrilege!)
Oh my goodness. I was afraid this would happen. And it grieves my eternal soul that there should be such divisions with the Bacon Faith. But, PLEASE, faithful fellow consumers of our deliciously sacred Trinity of Meats, hear my words to you! God sent His Bacon to us so that we might be UNITED in his glorious gift, and come together in harmony and Brotherhood to SING THE PRAISES of God’s love as we gorge ourselves with His lip-smacking finger-licking crispy fatty goodness! And, LO! Do NOT be led astray by those heretics who seek to deceive you with their vegan or turkey bacon IMPOSTERS! For the ONLY TRUE Bacon is that which comes from the creature of genus Sus, just as our Supreme Lord and Savior intended! AMEN!
There are those who yet believ that he should not be crispy, but rather meaty, flaccid and merely warmed through not seared in the righteous fire of crispiness. Yea there are even extremists who eat of Him BOILED! Boiled bacon and Cabbage what next will these desecrators do?
HEATHENS !!!
Heathens all, the one and only true bacon is back bacon.
But what of those who consume the WHOLE rasher including the streaky belly bits? .
There are even those (drops voice to a hushed whisper) Who consume the whole double rasher in the ROUND!!! UNSMOKED merely salted or “green” as they call it in their bacony ignorance
Yes, sadly I have heard of such filthy blasphemous souls who ingest the Fruit of the Swine without it being properly prepared. That is why we CHOSEN of the TRUE Bacon Faith must stand strong and united against those who would desecrate our Holy Hogginess. For it CLEARLY states in the Blessed Book of Bacon that has been passed down to us over centuries of revisions, translations, interpretations, and debate that, “No thin strippings of the Fruit of the Swine shall be consumed without it first being seared in pan heated with righteous flame, until its texture is that of crispy crunchy deliciousness. Limp and sagging it shall NOT be. Rigid and crisp it SHALL BE. Boiled it shall NOT be, though it is allowed that a small portion of Holy Hog be added to a cooking vat of green vegetables so as to enhance the flavor of the greens and further enrich our senses of smell and taste with the Eternal Essence of our precious Pork Prize.”
As long they do not utter the holy words “thank you Bacon God for my meal”, then they are OK. But if they transgress, then they are unholy and doomed to spend an eternity in as a celery.
ah so, damnation is in the Catechism not the Consummation?
Catechism, the great Bacon God in the sky, via his Pug angels watches every thought and word.
It’s all a mortal sin and they shall not be allowed to enter Pork Paradise.
You a Christian? HAHAHAHAHA.
