It is with mixed emotions I share this wonderous news with you. I had a soul-turning experience this evening that has caused me to regain my Christian Faith. HALLELUJAH! Please allow me to relay this inspirational story to you all so that you too can see the wonders of The Lord Almighty.
The wife and I are having a friend over to visit tomorrow, and I was preparing some bacon-wrapped mushrooms to put on the grill for the dinner. Obviously, I had to purchase a package of bacon and a container of whole mushrooms to do this, as I have done countless times in the past. In prepping these tasty treats, I slice the strips of bacon in half, then I slice the individual mushrooms in half to make it easier to wrap the bacon around them. Well, while doing that this evening, I ended up with an exactly even number of bacon and mushroom slices. In other words, no leftover bacon, and no leftover mushroom pieces. Folks, this has NEVER happened to me before, and I have no explanation for how it happened tonight. Therefore, I took it to be a MIRACLE! It was a SIGN FROM GOD that He is REAL and watching over me. Ladies and gentlemen, the Lord works in mysterious ways! Glory be! I shall spend tomorrow repenting for all my sins and asking for forgiveness. Then I will go down to the nearest local church Sunday and ask them to take me into their flock. Tonight, however, I will be spending my last few hours as a sinner getting hammered with Jager, rum, and whisky. Farewell, my friends! I’ll pray for you all!
Sorry to say this, but apostasy is the unforgivable sin. You can think you’re rejoining the flock, but you’ll end up in hell. Tsk tsk, too bad.
…But then again some denominations/sects have rationalized ways around this. If you join the right group, you can disregard this note.
At any rate, So long and take care.
…(stumbling into thread… holding ice pack to head… bloodshot eyes)… Grooooooooan… Will somebody PLEASE tell the dude running the jackhammer to get out of my fucking head?.. Oh, shit - oops - I mean, oh shoot. Sorry, God… (looking around room)… What?.. Why y’all staring like that? You never seen a born-again Christian with a hangover before?.. (plopping down heavily on couch)… Hey, don’t be judging me, you filthy heathens. Only God can judge me now. Besides, alcohol is allowed. Jesus turned water into wine, remember?.. (shifting ice pack to other side of head)… Too damn ba- uh, too dang bad I wasn’t drinking wine, though. Oh my fuc-… uh, my freakin’ head. Okay, look, I can see you all have questions. And I truly want to address as many as I can in the hopes of leading your degenerate asses - (That one’s allowed. It’s in the bible.) - back to the path of righteousness. Just give me a few hours to recupe a bit, and then I will be happy to share with you the glory of God… (looking around room again)… Hey, anybody here know how to make a Bloody Mary?
Apostasy colostomy. Whatever.
For your information, buddy, I am newly saved. God HAS TO forgive me. It’s in His rule book. Trust me, there are plenty of loopholes in that contract, and I plan to use as many as possible to my advantage.
Obviously, good sir, you are not seeing the stupendous awesomeness of the GLORIOUS SIGN God sent to me with his MIRACLE of equal number of mushrooms and bacon slices. Out of all the different packs of bacon and all the different containers of mushrooms in the store that day, GOD guided my hands to place those two SPECIFIC packs into my shopping cart, KNOWING in all His wisdom they would be of equal numbers when I prepared the meal. PRAISE THE LORD! You skeptics out there can scoff all you like, but I just KNOW God shined His Loving Light on me so that I could be His messenger and help guide this depraved vipers’ nest of filthy godless heathen heretics back into His Eternal Grace. HALLELUJAH! So don’t you DARE fucking* question my bacon/mushroom miracle you blasphemous swine! (Unless, of course, you are possibly asking for the recipe, in which case I would be most happy to share it with you. )
That’s right! Preach it, Sister White! Obviously Satan is real! God made EVERYTHING in the universe in HIS PERFECT WAY! Including Satan! And we know Satan is REAL because we have EVIL in our world that surrounds us daily and threatens to obscure God’s Glorious Guiding Light! And we know these things are true because GOD said they are true, and GOD says HE does not lie so we KNOW what God says MUST BE true! And God made Satan as part of GOD’S Perfect Plan so that Satan could be blamed for ALL the evil in the world that God made to tempt Man away from God in order to strengthen Man’s FAITH in God and allow Man to see how infinitely GOOD AND LOVING God truly is! For without Satan spreading all of the pain and sorrow and misery, how would people ever know how much GOD loves and comforts and cares for them? So PRAISE TO SATAN for helping lead us to God’s Loving Arms! And PRAISE TO GOD for creating Satan to torture us so that we will seek GOD’S protection from GOD’S evil creation! HALLELUJAH!
Seriously? Uh, did you somehow MISS the part about the miracle being displayed via BACON-WRAPPED mushrooms? DEAR GOD, man! Bacon is the Holy Trinity of meats! It can be enjoyed at Breakfast, Lunch, AND Dinner! Praise the Lord and pass me the Bacon!
Last night I had what can only be described as revelation! I hadn’t prayed in years, but upon reading of Tim’s personal miracle and knowing I too could experience the miracle of God personally - I begged for forgiveness and this feeling swept through me and I felt the presence of our loving Creator close to me…comforting me and washing away my sins and tears!!!
I woke this morning to the smell of cooking bacon YES!!! My oldest awoke before me and started Sunday breakfast!!! IF this isn’t a miracle, quite frankly, I don’t know what could convince you!