Greetings.
My name is Mark, and I used to post on atheist boards and science fiction boards from the late 90s until around 2009/2010. As my professional life and family responsibilities became more pronounced, I no longer posted on boards, although there are still two people from boards I remain in touch with.
Tonight I decided to seek advice, which is why I am here.
A couple of weeks ago, at my mother’s wake, I found all the Christian sentiments I was being offered too much, and I asked people to stop. I needed some emotional space, I explained. (My father and beloved rescue cat of many years–my best friend–had also died not too long ago.) Yet the brother of my sister’s close friend took my needing space from Christian sentiments as an open invitation to witness to me then and there. I have had Christians freak out on me many times, and I did not want there to be a scene, so I had to be respectful and polite instead of concentrating on my feelings. (There were children in attendance.)
To make matters worse, when I was a child I was forced to go to this same church, populated largely by Arab-Americans like me (many of whom were relatives and many of whom had Arabic accents). This gentleman’s preaching to me in his Arabic accent brought back all the old memories of being disrespected, disregarded, and talked down to in that church. He also did it in a stylized, jolly, manipulative way (for lack of a better term): “Oh yes, many atheists say that. I hear that all the time and understand your views. However…” In other words, he cut off my avenues for rebuttals. Not that they mattered, as he paid no attention to my explaining how I had been emotionally abused in my church and how I was screamed at every time I disagreed despite his “freedom in Christ.” His solution: “Many Christians do what they are not supposed to do. That is why I left my church and joined another. Just read the Bible with an open mind, forgetting your prejudice.”
He also used my speaking time to formulate what he was going to say.
I still have not been able to mourn for my mother thanks to him. He triggered an OCD cascade. Mind you, I know how to manage OCD; in fact, I do volunteer work with others who have OCD just as I sometimes find myself helping other queer people (and occasionally queer people on the autistic spectrum like me). I have it all under better control than I would have thought possible, but I feel so angry, depressed, and victimized–which means I do not have it all under complete control.
To their credit, my Christian sister and the minister think what this individual did was wrong and maintain that I did nothing wrong by standing up for my atheist beliefs in a calm fashion. (When I gave a 20-minute eulogy for my mother from the church pulpit the next day, I identified myself as an atheist–something they were also O.K. with, as was my mother when she was alive.) However, I can only go so far in telling them what I really think. I do not want to lose their good will.
Quickly, since I should offer something as an introduction: I am 58, an English professor in New York City, a writer, a voice overs artist, an animal lover, and a proud geek who loves all Star Trek (TOS through Lower Decks) and science fiction. My students always come first, and I take their positive reviews seriously since I believe that if they ever started panning me I would know I was not doing my job. As a gay Arab-American/Sicilian-American atheist with OCD who is on both the autistic spectrum and asexual spectrum (demisexual and aegosexual), I know what it is to be shunned/hated for being who I am, for something beyond my control–and I treat others as I would like to be (but as a young person was rarely) treated. Teaching is very healing for me. I get to do what I wish many of my own educators had done. I did have some excellent ones, but most of them were awful.
Also, my courses are flagged as anti-racist education.
I am at the left end of the American Democratic Party (although I am registered as independent since I do not care for many of the establishment Democrats).
Some of the students I have the most success with are conservatives/Republicans since all students have the freedom to express themselves in my class and I do not grade ideology. In fact, if I try to force Republicans to write what they think I want to hear, they will not write well. Writing must be authentic, and Republicans, like everyone else, can get top grades and letters of recommendation from me. (Why can’t so many Christians treat me the way I treat my conservative students even though we have different views?)
Back to my own beliefs and teaching as healing… I include statements like these in my classes:
- “I’m a feminist. My mother and sister have worked hard all their lives, and they shouldn’t have less pay or value than men.”
- “I’m a white male. I’m not better than anyone in this room.”
- “I don’t always know how to respond or what the best thing to say is. How do you feel I can best help you? Let’s work together to understand each other.”
I do my best to lead my life this way, which is why I find what Christians do to me again and again so offensive. At the risk of sounding egotistical, I believe much of my behavior is actually more in line with the Bible (or at least an idealized version instead of the actual one) than what I observe in many (no, not all) Christians. When I do something wrong–which I will always acknowledge–it is simply my being an imperfect human being.
Any advice you can offer would be appreciated.
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