I’ll throw a couple of my favs on here.
What has 100 balls and fucks old ladies?… BINGO!
What’s the difference btwn a rat’s cunt and a rat’s asshole?… about a millimeter.
(And a long one)
A woman is about to celebrate her 69th birthday and feeling sorry about her age and her looks she goes and gets plastic surgery to make herself appear younger. The surgery is a success and by the time of her birthday, she goes out into town to see if anyone else thinks she’s as young as she looks.
So she walks into Walmart for a few things when she’s stopped by a young man that tells her how beautiful she is. Blushing and flattered, she says, “I’ll let you take me home tonight if you can guess my age.” So the boy thinks it over and guesses ‘27’. “WRONG”, she replies, “I’m 69 years old today”, leaving the young man astonished. She smiles confidently and goes about her business.
Next she stops at a tire shop, where plenty of men flock up to the beautiful woman and ask what they can do for her. She tells em she needs a new set of tires and men fly off in every direction grabbing tires of all sizes trying to impress this woman. She picks the hardest worker outta the bunch and says, “if you can guess my age, I’ll let you take me home tonight”. The young tire shop employee immediately stammers up, “you’ve got to be at least 26!” The woman just laughs, “No son, today’s my 69th birthday. I just had plastic surgery done.” Bewildered, the boy finishes his job and wishes the woman a good day before she drives off.
She takes herself to get a bite to eat at a small stand inside a park, she tells the clerk she just needs a bite to eat and the clerk is so jazzed to be talking to a beautiful woman he says he’ll give her the food for free and she says, “oh nonsense, I’m happy to pay, but if you can guess my age then YOU have to pay.” “Well miss”, he says, “you don’t look a day over 25.” The woman stuffs her money back in her purse and pulls out her operators to show the clerk. “WOW! 69! Well happy birthday dear, it’s on the house.” The woman takes her food to a nearby bench to sit down and enjoy her meal.
About this time she notices and old man at a nearby bench just gazing at the sky with a big smile on his face. Pleased by his appearance the woman walks over to greet him.
“Hello sir, do you mind if I sit with you?”, she asks. To which, he replies, “not at all dear. Anything for a gorgeous woman such as yourself.” And the woman blushed. She sits down and asks if he has a wife and he tells her he’s lived alone for the past 20 years so she makes him an offer, “If you’re lonely, I’ll come keep you company tonight but only if you can guess my age right.” So the old man looks her up and down and says, “I know how to guess your age down to the exact minute but it’s a little unorthodox and I don’t want to be rude to a pretty lady.” The woman was curious, “How can you do that exactly?” She inquires. The old man cracks a smile, shakes his head and lets out a small sigh. “You have to let me put my hand up your blouse and feel around, that’s the only way I can tell you your exact age.” So the woman ponders on the old man’s supposed ability and says, “fine, but remember if you guess wrong you’ll be alone again tonight”, and she lifts up her blouse.
The old man feels around for a minute. Two minutes. Three minutes. Four. Now 5 whole minutes! She asks him,“How long is this supposed to take old man?!” and about that time he stops, draws his hand back and says, “Ma’am, you’re 69 years old today.”
She goes, “WOW!! I just had plastic surgery done and no one else could tell my age. How did you do that??”
The old man smiles and replies, “I overheard the clerk when you handed him your operators!”
