The FBI needed a special assassin for a very special job. There were three possible candidates. The first candidate shows up, and they hand him a gun. “Your wife is in the next room. You need to go into the room and kill her.”
He goes into the room but soon comes out again. He hands the director the gun. “I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
The second candidate arrives: He is told, “Your wife is in the next room. You need to take this gun and kill her.” He takes the gun, goes into the room. But soon, he too exits the room and tells the director, “I just couldn’t do it sir.”
The third candidate shows up: He is told the same thing, “Your wife is in the next room. You need to take this gun and kill her.” He takes the gun, goes into the room. “BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!” Shots ring out. Then there is screaming, banging on walls, more screaming, some banging, and then the door opens. The man looks to be a mess. He hands the director the gun and says, “Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to strangle her.”
A little penguin is driving across the desert when his car starts smoking really bad from under the hood. Fortunately, he was just on the outskirts of a small town at the time, so he immediately diverted into the town and found the nearest repair shop. He waddled in and told the mechanic what had happened and asked if he could fix it. The mechanic said he would take a look at it, and told the penguin it would take him about an hour or so.
Well, being it was so hot in the desert, the penguin asked if there was someplace cool he could go to wait. The mechanic told him there was a grocery store a couple of blocks away, and it was usually cool in there. So the penguin made his way over to the store and went inside, but it just wasn’t quite cold enough for him. As he wandered around, he noticed a large freezer section loaded with ice cream. Checking around real quick to make sure nobody was watching, the penguin quickly opened the freezer and hopped inside into the frigid air. Once inside and comfortable, he looked around and saw a container of vanilla ice cream. His favorite ice cream flavor. So he excitedly tore off the lid and greedily started stuffing himself with the ice cream. After finishing the whole container, he got very sleepy and dozed off into nappy-world.
He woke up quite a while later in a bit of a daze. But then, in a panic, remembered he had to go check on his car. In a fluster, he quickly exited the freezer, rushed out of the store, and hurried down the street back to the repair shop. As the penguin entered the repair shop, the mechanic look at him and said, “Well, Mr. Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal.” With a look of confused surprise, the penguin glanced down at himself, but then looked back up at the mechanic, waved a fin in casual dismissal, and replied, “Oh, nah. That’s just vanilla ice cream.”
A dog walked into a tavern and said, ‘I can’t see a thing. I’ll open this one’.
The dog gnawing on a bone says to his anus: “This is going to hurt you!”
A woman stops by Walmart to pick up some feminine hygiene products and finds the shelf for her preferred Tampax product empty. Seeing a store clerk nearby she asks if they might have more in the stockroom. The clerk steps to the intercom at the end of the isle and announces loudly over the entire store “tampax needed in isle six!”
The stock boy, being slightly hard of hearing, thinks he hears “thumbtacks” and responds over the intercom “you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the ones you drive in with a hammer?”
One of my favourites
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the heavens, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”