Need help with writing

Hi, I’m new to the forum and alas and sorry, I don’t start my journey with a greeting( I am moving to a new job and today I was told that I will need to write an essay (I don’t even know how and why). Of course, I can do a lot of things, but not write.

Welcome to Atheist Republic Grout1989.

I am sure you will get assistance in writing an essay. But it would help if you informed us how long it is to be, and the contents.

Start writing early —the earlier the better. ...
Keep the essay question in mind. ...
Don't try to write an essay from beginning to end, especially not in a single sitting. ...
Write the introduction and conclusion after the body. ...
Use 'signpost' words in your writing. ...
Integrate your evidence carefully.
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Howdy, Grout. Helluva way to have to start a new job. Write an essay? Interesting. Not sure what type of job requires that, but I have to wonder if they have an English teacher on staff to grade it. Anyway…

Well, naturally, we will need a bit more info to allow us to assist you better. Here are a few items…

  • What is the topic? (Personal incident? Explaining why you want the job? Research eval on a specific subject? Creative story?)

  • How many paragraphs? A basic 4 or 5? (Opening/Intro, Two or three Main Body, Closing) An in-depth thesis style? Somewhere in between? Your choice?

  • What type of job, and who will be critiquing the paper?

  • When is your deadline?

Personally, I love to write sometimes. (Keeps my rust-bucket brain from totally seizing up on me. :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:) Just give a little more info, and we’ll see what we can do to win you a Pulitzer Prize.

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Welcome. In any case. I hope they pay you a shit load of money if they’re making you write an essay.


A suggestion, if I may…

If you are allowed to choose the topic of your essay, maybe you could write about how you plan to take over the company from the inside. Let them know exactly what type of hard-chargin’, highly motivated, goal-driven individual you really are. All business owners and CEO’s love that kind of stuff. Hmmm… :thinking:… Then again, probably best not to give away your strategy. Yeah… Probably best if you just tell them about your favorite pet when you were a kid.

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They love to watch people fight over this job or that job. LMAO They’re not okay with anyone trying to take away their job.

Well, of course they are not happy with that. Therefore, it is very important he makes it clear they will still have a job there if they want it. After all, every big business needs a janitorial staff and possibly a few mail runners.

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Um… Why would you take a job you are incapable of doing in the first place? Do you really think you are going to be happy? If you think writing is easy, you are making a mistake. If you think you can learn to do it in a week, you are wrong.

People who write generally do so because they like writing. Many have been doing it their whole lives and spend a lot of time at it. There are many tutorials on how to write online.

  1. Know your topic and guidelines - So you are writing an essay. About what? How many words? Both will determine how narrow you must make your topic. Are you writing an informative, persuasive, descriptive, or something else? ‘Write an essay.’ is not a direction.

  2. Assuming you must write a 100-word essay, that would be a standard, you will want to use 2 sentences for your introduction, 7 to 8 sentences for your body, and one sentence for your conclusion. PAY ATTENTION: Your conclusion will mirror your introduction, NOT, give new information or twist everything you have said into a ‘gotcha comment.’ Your introduction will clearly state your topic and the theme of what is to follow. ‘How you will present or support your topic.’

  3. You will begin with a short introduction and a thesis statement. Clearly and creatively state what your paper is about. This is your only chance to catch your reader’s attention. Fuck this up and he or she is not likely to read any farther. You are not the only applicant for the job. Think carefully about what you are going to say and then find a unique way of saying it as part of your introduction. You have 2 sentences,

  4. Do not waste time or space. All your supporting sentences must reflect on your topic. Try the test of ‘SO.’ Read the sentence you wrote, say ‘So,’ and then read your topic sentence (Thesis Statement.) If it does not make sense, erase it, and begin again. If the idea does not make sense, you have wandered off topic. Do not use filler words. Make sure your sentences are different lengths. Have at least one compound sentence that is more complex than the others and demonstrates your ability to merge ideas.

Conclude your essay with a strong, single sentence, that reconfirms your thesis statement. DO NOT ADD NEW INFORMATION TO YOUR CONCLUSION. (I’ve mentioned this many times because it is one of the most common mistakes new writers make.)

Finally: Review, edit, and shorten everything. Simplify your sentence structure to ensure there are no wasted words.


Not a good idea. The person doing the interview may be insecure in his or her writing ability and just not give Grout the job out of fear. It may be best to keep plans of company domination quiet for the first 6 months.

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This does not mean, stop when you have the essay half done. Write as much as you can. Don’t worry about limits. Just write. David means; ‘Don’t think you can finish in a single setting.’ Get all your ideas down so you can evaluate them and begin organizing them later. The secret to writing well is learning to rewrite.


Essay? I can come over and we can do “homework” together. Nice profile pic by the way. :wink:

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@Grout1989 just kidding grout. Good looking pic tho. I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

They call me ratspit. Or spawn of the Evil One. Or Servant of the OverLord. Whatever works for you.


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True, there IS that possibility. But that is why he needs to be prepared to make the interviewer his accomplice. Just have to play it by ear depending on how high up the corporate “food chain” the interviewer sits. He MUST HAVE a plan for every contingency. Never go into a new job unprepared, especially if you are scheming to take over the company.

@Grout1989 Pay attention, Grout. These are things you need to know when conducting hostile takeovers. We are behind you all the way! Viva la revolucion!

I’ve called him worse things than that, but only when he goes on obtuse rants about shit that makes him sound like a fucking idiot.

Get ready for the question: Tell me three strengths you have and a weakness.
Hey! A great weakness is ignoring family and friends to get a job done!


Copy machines: Very important. Find out what kind of copy machines they use and get yourself an owners manual. Read the manual, not so you can fix the machine but so you can fuck it up when no one is looking. Then what you do is wait for everyone to panic, walk into the copy room and work your magic. Make sure you tell everyone how much money you saved the company by helping people to get their work out on time and by not having to pay for the copy guy’s repair bill.

White Out: Very important. Keep a stash next to your paper bags. Pour a teaspoon full into one of those paper bags and you will be able to stare at your fucking computer screen for hours and look like you are really involved in your work. Your boss will love you. Your coworkers will all wonder how in the hell you do it. Then, when you get that Employee of the Month bonus, you just buy more White Out. The shit pays for itself.

Mayonaise: Seriously. Keep a jar on your desk. You never know when your boss is going to say; “Fuck! I wish this sandwich had more mayonnaise on it!” You could save the day and that could lead to an instant promotion and a corner office with a view. Yea, it probably won’t happen right away, but on the day it does happen, YOU WILL BE READY.


Oo-oo-oo!.. I’ve got this!


  1. I’m potty trained… (mostly). Rarely use diapers anymore.
  2. I’m very self-sufficient. For instance, I recently taught myself how to boil water.
  3. I have amazing self-discipline. Very rarely now do I smack the shit out of stupid people who annoy me.

Midget-clown jello wrestling.

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Ah, yes! The copier machine. The HEART of any large company office. “He who controls the copier, controls the office!” Words to live by!

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Okay Tin: we gotta have a serious talk. How in the fuck is Midget-clown Jello Wrestling a weakness? Some of my best friends were Midget-clown Jello Wrestlers. They are all dead now, but they were still good friends. If I knew where there was a Midget-Clown Jellow Wrestling match tonight, I would go there. Where else can you get ‘Chokers,’ those little tasty Midget hot dongs on a stick. And the Ring Girls! Well, you know I can only look because I have a rolling pin stuck up my ass. But HOOO WEEE those ring girls are hot.