Praise the Lord, and pass the dutchie 'pon the lefthand side! I have been sent the key to a holy jackpot! Behold! The Church Prayer Rug! Delivered to me as a miracle from GOD! Ladies and gentlemen, THIS will be my blessed ticket to an Earthly Paradise! All I have to do is follow the detailed instructions contained in the letter, send a little “seed gift” donation to the church sponsoring this divine opportunity, and the riches of the world are mine for the taking. That’s right, folks, God is good, and He wants me to be RICH! I know this because I stared longingly at the closed eyes of Jesus on the rug. But, then, after a few anxious moments, those closed eyes magically opened and gazed deep into my very soul. It was a MIRACLE! Now I just have to decide if I want a seaside mansion with a customized limo, or an isolated personal mountain retreat castle with a private helicopter. I would ask for both, but I do not want God to think I am greedy. Any advice on this matter would be most welcomed. And - hey - I may even see if I can get a little something extra for those of you who help me. Include your requests in your response. (Oh, and, uh, as a precaution, I won’t mention you are atheists when I make my prayer request to God.)
Love the god of rugs.
Sends money and blessings to those iin need…oh except those furriners in Ukraine, hell, who can understand theoiir jabber about bombed hosptitals and dead children. As fur thoose terrorists in Seeria, weel, god dont like them koraners neither. They reads all back to front and it aint the bible.
Hey you leave my AK15 alone and I will leave yor selves alone…ceptin’ when I send you god blessed rugs.
The last time Feb 22nd fell on a Sunday was… 2015… which was when Y.G.'s mom something something prayer rug letter then Y.G. prayed and blah blah shitload of money… which is also the precise year heavenly father blessed me with my last military promotion…
That’s a rock solid, uncoincidental, nonopaque connection between the Rug magic and me.
I therefore deem it rational that you pray me up a pound of powerful recreational marijuana. And $47,230.60 to be donated directly to the nearest Planned Parenthood. And perhaps a Pornhub subscription renewal, but also don’t want to appear greedy or too dreamy.
Hah! An AK-15, huh? What a damn joke. Shows what little you know about quality rifles. My double-barrel fully-semi-automatic triple-magnum AR-47 will put your puny AK-15 to shame any day of the week. And THAT is even without me having to use my quantum-calibrated ultra-red thermal-cooled hyper-magnification purple-dot night-vision scope… with laser tracking. If you want, though, I’ll see if I can get you one with my prayer request.
You mind if I round that up to $48,000? You know how God prefers even numbers, and you could keep the excess for yourself. And why stop at a pound? Here’s a better idea. I’ll ask Him to give you a large patch of the most fertile land available with the seeds and blessings to grow your own. Other than harvesting your crop, you wouldn’t even have to do anything after planting it. I’ll just ask Him to take care of all the gardening chores until time for you to reap. Hell, if He can make the entire Garden of Eden, surly He can handle a moderate sized plot of recreational weed. As for that subscription, though… Ummmm… There may be a problem. In order to get that, you may have to promise to never masturbate to it. You know how God hates that. Your choice, though. Just let me know.
I’m waiting for the god of the pugs.
Fuck! Some people have all the luckl. All I got today was this reincarnated banana Jesus. I ran swung myself down to the local 7/11 to use the pay phone. Called the newspapers and then swung myself back home. When I got home… This is what was waiting for me.
We need to gear our wish list around what the Christian god wants for us and his version of morality? In my case, that’s going to work out in abject wish failure. No respect, I tell ya, no respect.
I yield my requests to @Old_man_shouts_at_cl so that he might increase his KR-15 armory if so desired.
Now that’s fucking scary! All that man wants to do is take you for a ride on the handlebars of his bike? You havn’t seen his bike have you,. He rides around town offering little kids candies to hop on the back and go for a ride. Rumor has it, that’s how Tin Man lost his verginity. And you wat to give this guy “requests?” I’m going back to my banana tree.
If there is another covid lockdown and a run on toilet paper, your prayer rug could prove to be quite useful.
Have you sent a copy to Ray Comfort?
Hell no! Let him get his OWN Prayer Rug. Besides, why would he need MY Prayer Rug, anyway? He has his Miracle Banana to make him rich.
Dammit! Why everybody gotta be so judgemental? As I’ve explained many times already, I was late for a very important appointment across town, and my car suddenly broke down. Old Man “just happened to be” passing by, and he offered me a ride. He got me there on time, and I was grateful. Since I didn’t have any cash or grass, that left only one form of payment. Although, in hindsight, I do still sorta wonder how he seemed to already KNOW where my car would konk out on me. 
I used to get donation requests in the mail from churches I’d never heard. One day I got so sick of it, I took a one dollar bill and with a sharpie, I wrote “fuck you” in big bold letters and mailed it to them. I quit getting their letters soon after I did that.
LOL, I’m actually surprised the greedy bastards didn’t start sending you more mail.