Hey, you joined this site. Therefore, you DID sign up for this. (You didn’t read the fine print, did you?) Anyway, stop your moaning and groaning, and strip and rub this all over your body… (handing over jar of mayonnaise)… I’ll be back in a moment with the spatulas and electric mixer… (walking away headed toward kitchen… yelling down hallway)… COG! Hey, how much longer before the noodles are ready?!?
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Listen to the whining! You need to just suck it up and take your medicine. There are elaborate plans for you already in the works, so don’t piss in the punch-bowl…Uh, that’s Cog’s “job”… (mumbling to self…I swear some people just don’t appreciate all the effort that goes into a special party…mumble mumble…)
What’s that Tin? More mayo?..coming right up!
Edit: electric dog collar
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“NOODLES!” Awww Fuck! I thought you said “Poodles.” Now the fucking soup is ruined… (Taking out a spoon, dipping it into the broth, taking a taste.) (Yelling back at Tin!) "Hey, this isn’t so bad. If we pull off the fur and add some noodles, I think we can save the soup!
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Hmmm… Poodle-noodles… 
… Actually sounds pretty good. Oh, just make sure you get out all those damn little ribbons and bows, too… (looking around room)… Uh, hey, anybody seen C.M.? Where the hell did he go?
Thanks, Skrit. Wasn’t sure if that one jar would be enough. Hey, since you’re headed that way, could get grab those jumper cables and take them with you?
Sure, glad to! I’ll grab those ghost peppers on the way over too…
Edit: ring of fire
Is it vegan mayo, at least?
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Now that’s sick……………
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That’s it! No more Mr. Nice Guy! I was trying to break you in gently, but I will NOT tolerate requests for anything vegan! Gloves are coming off.
@Cognostic Hey, Cog! Where did you put the barbed wire and that big jar of bacon lard?
Obviously, C.M. has no idea what he signed up for when he joined AR.
The Barbed wire is burreid someplace under all the shit on the floor. You are welcome to it if you can find it. The bacon lard… well… um… Let’s just say… "I was out of Crisco last Saturday night. Why in the fuck would you give bacon lard to a guy who used to wear a pig nose. What in the fuck were you thinking? You ever woken up beside a smiling giraffe? It’s a good think I am not a Christian or I would have to remove something that offended me.
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Uh, if it really offended you, you would have removed it already…
Edit: like it or not
Just take him to the zoo, cover him in honey and salmon, put him in the bear enclosure, and tie him to a chair. The bears will do the rest.
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I’m nothing like vegan. I just figured plant-based lube = bonus!\
Why should so many pigs have to die for my… ahem… pleasure?
*Edited for pithiness.
You’re not Christian so you wouldn’t understand.
Leviticus 11:7 - Pigs are unclean to you.
Deuteronomy 14:8 - Pigs are unclean. Don’t eat them and don’t touch them.
Proverbs 11:22 - As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout. So is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion
Matthew 7:6 - “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
2 Peter 2:22 - It has happened to them according to the true proverb, “A dog returns to its own vomit,” and, “A sow, after washing, returns to wallowing in the mire.”
Matthew 8:32 - And He said to them, “Go!” And they came out and went into the swine, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and perished in the waters.
You gotta go to church to know this shit.
I will cook a ham on December 25 because, as a secular Jew, I think it’s appropriate to eat pig meat on xtian holidays.
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