'God is not love; is as much as a tautology as ‘god is love’ and just as meaningless.
As for your question, nobody has ever been able to justify the existence of evil and suffering.
I’m truly sorry for your anguish and despair. A life long depressive, the only positive thing I can tell you is that it will pass, I promise.
You haven’t said your country. Nowing that might enable people to make concrete suggestions to help you…