It seems like unless you’re going to school or you’re apart of a church group, or some kind of group. Then no one is really interested in connecting or talking to you.
I feel like because these groups “form” a space where the person feels safe to open up versus if I were to approach them in a grocery store at random.
This is my life. Funny thing for me though, is that I’ve eventually felt alone in my both of my marriages long before they ended. I feel like connection with someone is the biggest difference.
I think you can be surrounded by people and feel like a tree. You’re present, but you’re just there and they’re stone walling you. Like you’re white noise in the background.
I guess this is why I’ve mostly quit going into relationships or starting up friendships with people. My ex wives did nothing but plot against me behind my back. No amount of intimacy, stories, money, or showing affection seemed to stop things from ending.
When things ended, I just felt like I was the guy that was there for that person’s own amusement. They got bored and left.
This doesn’t encourage me to go out of my way to make relations with women or make friendships. I feel like I have to treat my life as though I’m going to be alone until I die and pass into Oblivion. My therapist told me that I have betrayal trauma. That I don’t trust anyone. He’s not lying. Anymore, I just feel like people just want something from you. If someone asks me to come over in the store, they want me to grab something up high for them, or they want me to help lift something. It’s always for their benefit. If you refuse, then they brand you as an un altruistic narcissist/ asshole. You’re the bad guy because you didn’t give them what they wanted. It’s Quid Pro Quo shit. Its like money, there always has to be an offering or an exchange.
I’ve always lived life on the presumption that most people dislike or are dissatisfied with me.
Because (and to borrow from William Burroughs) it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes or is dissatisfied with you. What matters is whether they’re in a position to do anything about it that isn’t trivial or stupid, which is extremely rare in my experience.
On the feeling isolated piece I have nothing. Just being away from people is extremely fulfilling, IMHO. Perhaps that’s down to the workings of an individual’s psychology?
Modern life seems constructed to cause alienation. To the point that a lot of people don’t know how to have non-superficial relationships, and a lot of people literally can’t. They know little but social media, for one thing.
I also have come to believe that some people yearn more for authentic connection than others. If you’re one of those then it’s all the harder.
You’re on the right track exploring this with a therapist IMO. Just make sure the therapist has an action plan for you at some point and isn’t just a paid listener. You clearly have had a lot of moral injury from others and the object of therapy in that situation is to understand what’s wrong and find ways to heal and, gradually, to trust again – possibly to be better at identifying people who are trust worthy – that was long a difficulty of mine anyway.
As I can tell you already know, being alone and being lonely are two different things. I hope you find the connection you’re seeking, and soon.
I think it is. I have very modest social needs, and am certainly not extroverted. But I seem to need to be around people a little bit most days, even if it’s just to run out to the store for something. That’s plenty of validation for me. I figured this out after my 2nd wife died in the 18 months or so before meeting my current wife. That’s a fair test, but I have never run it out for years and years either.
A guy I know is super empathic. He feels everything deeply. When a mutual friend died last week I was shocked and saddened but we weren’t THAT close – we all hung out on a weekly basis for a couple of hours. But my empath friend wept for hours and I desperately needed to talk to me about his feelings (sensing, hopefully, that I wouldn’t make fun of him – guys aren’t supposed to feel that strongly about ANYTHING, lol). I gave him 30 minutes of my time and he was a new man. He just needed to be heard and vent a little and be brought back to earth a bit.
I’m glad that guy is a kindergarten teacher. I’d want him working with my five year old, if I still had one. He has found his niche. And I’m equally glad I’m not teaching small children, as I’m not suited to it.
life isn’t lonely, we’re not alone. it’s crowded. there’s too many people. humanity may be the only sentient “things” we can talk to but it doesn’t mean we’re alone, there’s literally everyone else (other humans, you, me, my neighbor downstiars) and i feel claustrophobic from it.
I think there is a distinction between being alone and being lonely, so while being surrounded by people means you’re not alone, it does not in all cases mean you are not lonely.
I am not that gregarious a person, so being alone never bothered me, and I must say I never really feel lonely. The only time I am surrounded by people is in work, and you learn to cope with crowds. I don’t think I could live in a major city though.
For some, people are overwhelming and intrusive. It definitely happens. Does that mean though that you can’t also be lonely? Because loneliness speaks less to the degree of contact than to the sense of being misunderstood and/or uncared for – the lack of connection.
This fundamental misunderstanding can be a problem between spouses, as one might expect to be “joined at the hip” so to speak, to go everywhere and do everything together, and see any desire for “me time” or separate friends from the other partner as rejection or insufficient caring or whatever. In that case what connection means to the needy partner is probably not what they think it is. It is about quality, not quantity.
What’s wrong with being alone? Granted, I am very fortunate right now to have my wife, and we have a pretty good life together. However, if anything were to ever happen to her, or if she for some reason decided to leave me one day, then I have already decided to live the rest of my life in solo mode. Besides, over the past five or six years, I’ve grown dismally tired of people in general. Going out in public and being around people drains my energy severely. And as far as the thought of trying to find somebody else, I am too old and too damn stubborn and set in my ways to ever want to “fit myself around” another person’s life. Therefore, I will be perfectly fine tending to myself and living what little remains of my life in quiet solitude, away from as many people as possible. But - hey - that’s just me…
Damn, Doc. Sounds like a fantastic idea! Why didn’t I think of that? A organization full of people who prefer to avoid other people. Brilliant! Naturally, it would have to be an All-Reclusive type of club. We could call it the “Hermit Crap Society”. The club motto would be, “Leave me the fuck ALONE!” In order to weed out the fakers, we could send out invitations for a large gathering to anybody who applies for membership. Whoever shows up will be automatically disqualified. We could make t-shirts, and cool pins, and ball caps and such with our club name and motto on them. Nothing like advertising to draw in the members, right? Awesome! A meeting full of like-minded people gathering around to discuss how much they detest being around other people is just what the doctor ordered. When’s our first meeting? (I really hope there aren’t too many people there.)
“Don’t even think about showing up. Were you just considering it? What’s the deal with that? Vacillation like this is a reason our membership stays away from people. How about just sending money then never appearing; that would prove your hermit-ness. Do you have a dog? Send money and the dog to the meeting and we won’t tell people how much you like other people.”
To add to that a bit, how about this?: “The more money you send, the fewer events you are required to attend.” Figure we could be raking in the dough with that offer. I do like having them send the dog, however. Would be nice having a mascot around. Besides, I like animals way more than most people, anyway.
